


Coping

by liveforDBZ



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Loss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25134118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveforDBZ/pseuds/liveforDBZ
Summary: Mamoru and Usagi are left grief stricken. It's all they can do to pick up the pieces and try to move forward.
Relationships: Chiba Mamoru/Tsukino Usagi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Coping

When Mamoru walked into the apartment, groceries in hand, only darkness greeted him. His heart, already heavy in his chest, constricted painfully at the reminder that he was not the only one hurting. He stopped into the kitchen first to put away the food. Instead of depositing the tub of ice cream in the freezer, he grabbed two spoons and headed to the bedroom where he knew she would be.

He paused in the doorway, allowing the rush of emotions to wash over him as his eyes fell upon her silhouette. She sat at the bay window, knees to her chest, backlit by the moon outside. She had barely left that spot for days now. She was so tragically beautiful. Moonlight suited her. Her hair, free from their usual buns, shone almost silver in the light, and even from the doorway he could see the shine of fresh tears on her porcelain cheeks.

“Usako?”

Usagi glanced his way and spared him a small smile before her expression melted again into the quiet anguish that had graced her face since they had been given the news. Mamoru approached her and sat at the opposite end of the bench. There was just enough room for them both to sit like this; Usagi’s feet resting lightly on Mamoru’s thigh as he angled himself towards her.

“I brought you a present.” He lifted the ice cream tub into her frame of view enticingly. “Peanut butter chocolate. Your favourite.”

He knew she was only humouring him when she took the tub and spoon from his grasp and opened the lid. She had barely eaten anything for days and she knew he was beginning to worry. It was, after all, both of their pain. She saw no sense in burdening his mind further with thought of her health and safety. After taking a spoonful, she held out the tub for him to do the same. They ate in silence for a while, enjoying the quiet moment just the two of them. Mamoru felt almost sick with grief, and knew he could wait no longer.

“Usako we have to talk about this.”

Her eyes darted to his before looking away, out the window once more.

He sighed, then continued. “It’s not healthy. We are going to get through this you and me. We’re in this together.”

“No.” Her voice was so soft that he almost missed it. “We’re not in this together.”

The pain in his chest intensified. “How can you say that? Of course we’re in this together. I’m feeling this as much as you. I lost her the same as you did.” His voice rose with every syllable. 

“It’s not the same.” Though Mamoru’s voice had risen in cadence, hers remained soft.

Mamoru regarded her with a mixture of fear and anger. They had always been a team, the two of them. The things coming out of her mouth just didn’t make sense to him. 

“I don’t understand Usa. Please, I don’t understand.”

She ran her fingers through her hair and pulled at the roots. Her head bowed and for a moment Mamoru thought she was going to literally tear herself apart before she spoke. “Don’t you understand how bad I failed you both?”

Mamoru blinked in surprise. If he hadn’t been taken so off guard he might have had the presence of mind to deny her words. To gently remove her hands from her hair and lift her chin so she could look him in the eye and make her see reason. Instead he could only come up with a single word.

“What?"

“I wasn’t strong enough.” Usagi’s fists in her hair were almost white with tension and a few strands of golden hair yielded and broke under her tight grasp. “We lost her because I wasn’t strong enough. It’s all my fault. I put us here, don’t you see? We’re not in this together Mamo. I did this. You should be screaming at me. How could I have let this happen?”

Her words finally permeated into his brain and he quickly moved to hug her to him. His action was the catalyst. Her sobs were gut wrenching. She hadn’t cried like this when they had found out, or in the days after. Her body shook with the force of her tears. Mamoru held her to him tighter, silent tears streaming down his face.

Oh god.

Oh god.

How had he not seen? This whole time she had been blaming herself. How could he have been so naive as to have missed the signs? He knew her. He knew her best of anyone else and yet he hadn’t seen the hatred. The emotion was wrong and alien to her. Many times in their years together he had wondered at her ability to open her heart and to never succumb to hatred in the face of true evil. 

But she had broken.

She had finally broken to the negative energy of hate, but it wasn’t directed towards some power-hungry enemy. No. She hated herself.

Usagi’s shaking reached a fever pitch and she collapsed to the ground and out of Mamoru’s arms. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and curled onto her side.

She screamed.

Loud, shrill, and directly from her soul, her scream pierced him in the heart and made him momentarily immobile.

He didn’t know what to do. He had never seen her so broken. The need to help her was overwhelming, but words were not about to get through to her. Reasoning with her was out, so he slid to the floor to lay down with her and once again pulled her to his chest. Her screams muffled in his chest. His shirt was wet with her tears but he did not relinquish his hold on her. 

She didn’t stop screaming for another 40 minutes. Mamoru could see the neon numbers of the clock from his position on the floor. His shoulder was numb, and shooting pains were running from his fingertips to his elbow, but he did not let go of her. Eventually her voice failed her and she hiccuped her way to silence. Another 10 minutes and she had cried herself to sleep in his arms on the floor in front of the window.

Ignoring the pain in his arm, he slowly untangled himself from her and lifted her into his arms. He placed her delicately into the bed and pulled the covers over her small body. She did not wake but she immediately resumed her previous fetal position, arms wrapped around her middle as if holding herself together.

Mamoru sat next to her and gently brushed the hair back from her eyes. Even in sleep her face was tense. He took a deep, shaking breath and turned away from her. He held his head in his hands and cried.

There had been so many tears shed. So much anguish and pain and grief. He cried for the life that had been lost. The laughs he would never hear and the moments they would never share. He cried for his wife, so torn up with the loss that she somehow blamed herself. He cried for the future, once laid out in front of them, now unbelievably uncertain.

After a while he stood once more. He grabbed their discarded spoons, and the leftover ice cream that was now liquid. He went to the kitchen and put the ice cream into the freezer, knowing Usagi would not have him wasting perfectly good ice cream. 

He shuffled over to the couch and stared blankly at his reflection in the window. What was he going to do? How was he going to keep them together when he could feel himself unraveling? After a moment of contemplation, he reached over to the phone and dialled.

She picked up on the third ring. “Tenoh-Kaiou residence.” 

“Michiru.” He hadn’t realized that his voice was so gravelly until he spoke aloud. “I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“Not at all.” She responded. “One second.” He heard muffled voices in the background and soon the sound of a second receiver being answered.

“How’s Kitten?” Haruka’s voice spoke this time.

He had thought he could do it. He had thought that he could ask for help from the most stable people he knew. Now, faced with it, the words would not come. All that left his lips was a strangled sort of sob.

“That bad?” Michiru asked.

“She hates herself.” His voice was strained, even to his own ears. “She blames herself for what happened.”

“No, Kitten.”

“Well it’s not surprising. It’s perfectly normal given the situation” Michiru said.

“It’s not normal. It’s not normal for her. She doesn’t have an ounce of hate in her body. How could she think it’s her fault? She couldn’t have done anything.” Mamoru couldn’t stop shaking.

“You misunderstand Michiru, Mamoru.” Haruka cut in. “She doesn’t mean that it’s normal for Kitten to hate. She means that when a woman miscarries like Usa did, that it’s normal for her to blame herself.”

“But how can she think it’s her fault? I was there too. Neither of us could have done anything differently. She seemed healthy. Chibiusa- Chibiusa-” his voice failed once again at the sound of her name. They hadn’t said it aloud since before the miscarriage. 

_They had been sitting in the still mostly empty nursery, Usagi in Mamoru’s lap in the rocking chair. He had laid his hand on her barely swollen stomach and spoke to his unborn daughter._

_“I can’t believe you’re almost here Chibiusa. I can’t wait to see you again.”_

_Usagi had smiled radiantly and kissed him soundly. She leaned back into his chest and rested her hand on top of his on her belly._

_“Little Usagi Small Lady Serenity.” Her smile was even evident in her voice. “I’m so happy Mamo.”_

_He hugged her closer. “Me too.”_

Michiru’s voice broke through his reverie. “It’s different Mamoru. It’s not your body. Usagi’s body was home for the fetus. Miscarriages, though common, can make a woman feel like her body didn’t work properly.”

Oh.

He hadn’t thought about it like that.

“Chibiusa’s not gone. We’ll see her still.” Haruka’s voice was so certain. Her words made a fresh wave of anguish wash over him. Yet they also gave him a little ray of hope.

“You think?” His voice broke.

“I know. Kitten will be pregnant again. You’ll get another chance. Chibiusa will come when she’s good and ready.”

Michiru laughed lightly. “Just like her mother. Stubborn, late, but always there when you need her.”

The sound that came out of Mamoru’s mouth was somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

“You two will get through this. Just be there for Usagi.”

“And think of it this way,” said Haruka “once she’s up for it, you and Kitten get to have a lot of fun trying again.”

Mamoru hung up the phone, feeling marginally better. 

He walked to the bedroom and stripped down to his boxers. He lay beside Usagi, pulling her back to his chest. He could tell by her breathing that she was awake.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I didn’t understand. I have no idea what his must be like for you. But I’m going to be here for you okay? No matter what. It’s you and me. Always.”

She shimmied back to try and get even closer to him. 

“Not just you and me” she said. Her voice was raw-sounding, which was to be expected after her screaming. “One day, Chibiusa too.”

He buried his face in her hair and breathed in her scent. “Yes. One day the three of us.”

“And after that, who knows?”

He smiled at the idea of a big family with Usagi. This time, his heart hurt with the immense sensation of his love for her.

“I love you, Usako.”

“I love you, Mamo.” He could feel her crying again.

“We’ll get through this” he told her. He knew they would. It wouldn’t be easy. They would forever hold the grief of the child they had lost. But they would get through it. Together.


End file.
